As an adult looking back at childhood, memories do not seem to catch up with physical age. As such they continue to be marred by the circumstances at the time.

Going back, visiting the school, and seeing once again those with whom formative years were shared, memories can be seen through a different lens.

As a child permanently in survival mode, life was viewed as if through blinkers. Where experiences were taken as individual events, no context, and a lack of fluidity. Who and what I remembered were limited to what was directly in my line of sight.

Returning to the school some 40 years later with all the changes that had occurred during that time meant there was no emotional attachment remaining. It felt as if I was viewing the school as the parent of a prospective student. The only emotional reaction coming from being asked if I was the sister of. This provoked a negative and sharp response due to spending most of my life being something to someone else, which felt like I was not a person in my own right and having no identity.

The evening event brought amazement for me, I was known by those in attendance, but I had no recollection of them at all. This brought feeling of embarrassment due to the sense I should have known them as well. It is not easy acknowledging you do not know those you spent 5 years of your life with.

Once back home I spent a lot of time reflecting on this and wondering why they had never been on my radar. I signed up for the reunion and school tour as part of my childhood healing and explaining it as ‘exorcising my ghosts.’ I remember a lot of bullying and spending as much time as possible in isolation.

I fully expected to encounter similar trials and tribulations, memories and the associated emotions and body reactions because of being back in the school and seeing again where the events took place. I wanted to observe the bullies as adults and see if they had also changed. None of this happened, the school had changed so it was unrecognisable for me, and the bullies I had encountered did not attend.

Those who attended in the evening smiled their welcome and recognition, so somewhere, somehow, I had made an impression on them that I had previously been unaware of. This gave me the rare opportunity to look back on those years with curiosity and wonder, coming to some revelations about me, my childhood experiences and how they have influenced each other and my memories.